Platform Report From The Front Lines At GMA Week And The Dove Awards

GMA Week, the busiest time of the year for those of us in the Christian music business is over. Four solid days of meetings, schmoozing, glad-handing, showcases, food, three-hour nights of sleep, and unsuccessful attempts at herding artists around like a bunch of wayward squirrels. I thought all week about this blog, trying to mine a couple of useful thoughts from all of the activity. But the one thing that kept coming back to me over and over, and something that I feel is important to discuss is the proliferation of shockingly bad hair that I saw on male musicians all week. Let's get it straight – I am no prude when it comes to hair. I've had really short hair, really long hair – heck, I grew up in the 80's – I had a mullet just like everybody else. Plus, I manage Kutless, Disciple, and Stellar Kart. I can handle guys with hair that is not so much of a destination as it is a journey. Upon reflection, I've decided to break down this bad hair into three categories.

1. Bi-polar jet-black hair – I saw this hair on most rock bands. This hair is primarily categorized by being short in the crown and very unevenly shore – as if the offender was attacked by a weed-eater. In the front, though, the hair smoothes out and swoops down the side of the face, completely hiding one eye. It's short on the sides but slightly long in the back. I've got a news flash for all of you guys with this hair. Boys, if it's kind of short on the sides, and just a little long in the back – that is a mullet, a mud flap, a straight-up Kentucky waterfall. I don't care how dyed it is or how unevenly it's cut. A mullet is a mullet, and mullets are bad. Side note – this hair seemed to always be linked to a white leather belt.
2. Bi-polar jet-black hair with bleached leopard spots – Basically take everything I said above and add uneven blond-bleached spots. Good Lord.
3. Chris York – This is a risky move, but I've got to give this guy his own category. Chris York is a young A&R guy at Sparrow Records. Chris's father, Peter York is President of Sparrow. Now, in the EMI building, they scoff at saying the name Sparrow – they now prefer EMICMG, whatever that means. Around Nashville, though, it's still Sparrow, or, in industry lingo, The Bird. I digress. Chris York has the biggest fro I have ever seen, period. I mean Ben Wallace, in his prime doesn't hold a candle to Chris. Seriously, this thing has got to be a full 44 inches around. The mere thought of walking outside with this thing probably earns him at least one tick. I hadn't seen Chris in a long time, but I caught a glimpse of him at a showcase, and I was so floored that I completely forgot about the band I was there to see. The real show was on Chris's head. Give him credit – the A&R kid at Nashville's most conservative label wins the strange hair award hands-down.

Seriously, I'm not trying to make fun of anybody. I'm just disappointed. This is, after all, rock-and-roll. Can't we mix it up a little bit? Why does everybody have to look the same? Why does the template have to look so silly? I'm throwing down the gauntlet right now. Next year, the hair award better not go to a label guy. Bands – you have been challenged.

Chance
5-3-07